After reading about the latest company promoting a 24 day challenge that guarantees amazing results and can totally change your life, I realized that I have been really missing the boat.  Obviously if you can create a program that causes people to feel better, lose weight and inches quickly and also make money at the same time it’s going to be a huge success.  Therefore I decided to put together my own 30 Day challenge to provide people with an amazing new revolutionary way to do all of these things.  I don’t know if I should just release this to the general public, but since I am typically a generous soul I decided to share my amazing new secrets with the public and give them the help that they need in order to be fitter, healthier and happier.  Are you ready for this?  It only takes 30 days and you will be a totally new person!

Okay, Step One:

Go into your cupboards and fridge and throw out everything that is packaged, didn’t at one point have eyes or wasn’t grown or made from something from the ground.  You may find that your cupboards and fridge have suddenly gotten really empty.  This is a tough challenge, but you don’t have to spend two hundred dollars a month or sign up for auto ship – just throw it out once, which is basically the same thing.  So that leads us to Step Two:

Go to the grocery store.  See those different coloured things called vegetables to your right as you walk in?  Buy lots of them.  So many that you can’t even see the bottom of your cart.  And lots of different colours too.  Then go to the butcher section and buy a bunch of that stuff too.  Watch the butcher actually cut it up in front of you.  Buy some white stuff, some pink stuff and some more white stuff.  If it had a beak or gills at one point it’s a bonus.  Then, go to the checkout aisle without going anywhere else.  Can you do it?  Can you make your cart turn left before the cookie aisle?  I know it’s tough, but you wouldn’t have signed up unless you were totally committed and amazing, right?

Oh, and you have to do this more than once a week.  So if you don’t have time then watch less TV or don’t post on Instagram for an hour and go back to the grocery store.  You might actually have to go twice or three times in a single week.  That’s why I said this was a challenge.

Step Three:  Cook stuff.  Don’t cook it in a microwave; don’t pull it out of a box and plastic wrap.  Put it in an oven.  Or slow cooker.  Or barbeque.  Or steamer.  Leave it there for a bit of time.  Or don’t cook it and eat it raw (not the butcher stuff though).  Oh, you don’t have to do this every day  – if you are smart about it and cook three days’ worth at once.  I promise it won’t kill you.  Put it in that cold thing in the kitchen that is designed to store things and keep them fresh.

Step Four:  Eat the food.  Eat a bit of animal stuff and a lot of vegetable stuff.  For every meal, even breakfast.  I know – your body might explode if you don’t have cereal or toast for breakfast, but I want you to take that risk because you’re hardcore and fully committed.  Oh, and if you don’t eat breakfast now, eat it anyway.  I know it makes you feel sick to actually eat before noon, but push yourself!  You’re awesome!  Oh, and you have to take stuff to work too.  It might make your bag really, really heavy but that’s all part of the challenge!

Step Four:  Don’t drink anything that isn’t water or coffee or tea coloured.  And no, that doesn’t mean water coloured paints or Coke or whiskey because it’s brown.  There are rules here.  Drink until you have to pee.  And it’s not a dark colour.  Keep drinking until you’re peeing a lot.  See, even your bladder is getting into the challenge!

Step Five:  Exercise.  Put on those things with soles that sit by your front door and go outside.  If it’s -25, go to the mall.  Walk there.  Hell, walk up and down your stairs.  Set a timer for 30 minutes and just keep doing stuff that involves movement until it beeps.  I know, I know, it’s another 30 minutes you could be pretending to do work at your desk.  But this challenge is meant to separate the committed from the uncommitted.  I know you’re committed!  I know you can do it!

If you have a gym membership, actually walk into the door.  Once you’re there, pick some stuff up and put it down.  Then do it again until you’re tired.  You can use the black things, the long skinny things and even the really complicated looking big pieces of stuff.

Okay, so we’re at the end of Day 1.  Having fun yet?  Okay, now your challenge is to do this.  Every.  Single.  Day.  For 30 days.  I know it sounds totally incredible that regular people like you can actually do this.  At the end of it, you won’t believe your eyes!  Then you can help me sign up more people for this amazing program.

Does it sound simple?  Does it sound ridiculous?  Does it sound like anybody can do it?  Not just anyone can do this, it takes a special breed of person, but I know that you are definitely that person.  That’s why I’m sharing this amazing new program with you, and only you.  Feel free to PayPal me $50 to paradigmfitnessottawa@gmail.com if you want to sign up and learn more about this amazing offer!

#yesthisissarcasm